I cannot will my heart not to feel.
I cannot shun the thoughts in my head.
I wonder about you always,
About a life I can never have.
The wishes I make upon shooting stars,
Are simple things people take for granted.
Though I know they’re never coming true,
A little imagination soothes my heart.
I live them out in my dreams,
I keep you alive there.
And when I awake in the morning,
The world crumbles to the ground.
We only live once, they say.
But do they understand it fully?
I do and it kills me,
That I will never again have a father.
I pine for little things daddy,
Little things that make me seem pathetic.
Like wondering what it must feel like
To talk to you on the phone,
To see your name on my caller screen.
I imagine the joy of having you home for dinner,
Enquiring about my day.
I wonder what it’s like to cry on your shoulders,
I don’t remember the warmth of a father’s hug.
I watch my friends go on family trips,
And wish I could go fishing with you.
I love to go fishing daddy.
I wonder if you ever knew.
I wish you had taught me to ride a bicycle.
I tried the other day, so they wouldn’t laugh at me.
Ended up with a sprained knee,
It wasn’t easy like it looked.
I wish you had taught me to swim.
I’m crazy about the seas,
But all I can do is watch by the shore.
I wish you had read me fairy tales when I was young
Because I’ve grown cold and cruel.
I do not believe in happily ever afters,
All I know is they’re going to break me like you did.
And they sure have, daddy.
I wish I could tell you about them,
The men who took off with pieces of my heart.
If only you could punch their faces in!
I’ve grown up protecting myself on my own
And learning from my own mistakes,
I know nothing of trust at all.
If only you could teach me differently!
Well, these are some things that prick my heart.
But what hurts me most daddy,
Is that I will never know if my father ever loved me at all.