Here I am,

A walking trainwreck…

With a hole where the heart should be

And stones where hope should be.

I have failed you.

The grounds of my body have become

an unholy battlefield for demons,

And my soul is the prize.

But the biggest war, dear God

Is waged in my head,

The devil’s feeding ground.

Now I’m weary of running endlessly in circles

Round the walls of my own mind.

I’m weary of the poison I shove down my throat

Just to make the demons fall asleep.

I’m weary of the pandemonium and the terror

That has taken over my days.

And despite all the ways of healing I’ve tried,

I still tuck my past under the sheets every night

I still call them “mistakes”.

I have searched high and low for comfort

And a place to call home.

Now I have no where else to look but to You.

So here I am today,

After decades of reciting empty prayers

That sounded like broken records

And nursery rhymes,

To a bearded man in the sky.

I’ve always feared You, Lord

But I never loved You.

Instead of You, I chose men

Who broke my bones in the name of love.

I paved the road to my own ruin

By choosing my whims over your plans.

And I replaced your loving arms with cheap liquor

Hoping it would drown my guilt and my sorrows.

And when it ripped my spirit apart,

Twice I sought salvation

In the edge of a broken glass.

I have failed You so miserably!

Now every part of me is shattered into smithereens,

But I cannot find a better way than this

To start over again with You.

So I come to You today

With a longing in my heart,

Not to know about You

But to know You,

As a friend, as a father, as my God.

I come to You today

To find out who I am,

Not in the world

But in Christ.

I come to You today,

To learn to trust

And to take refuge in the faith

That every promise made in The Book

Is for me!

So here’s my first footstep on your ground.

I will seek You henceforth,

And not rest until the day I hear

Every cell in my body say

You are. You are. You are.


3 thoughts on “A letter to the Unknown God.

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