Here I am,
A walking trainwreck…
With a hole where the heart should be
And stones where hope should be.
I have failed you.
The grounds of my body have become
an unholy battlefield for demons,
And my soul is the prize.
But the biggest war, dear God
Is waged in my head,
The devil’s feeding ground.
Now I’m weary of running endlessly in circles
Round the walls of my own mind.
I’m weary of the poison I shove down my throat
Just to make the demons fall asleep.
I’m weary of the pandemonium and the terror
That has taken over my days.
And despite all the ways of healing I’ve tried,
I still tuck my past under the sheets every night
I still call them “mistakes”.
I have searched high and low for comfort
And a place to call home.
Now I have no where else to look but to You.
So here I am today,
After decades of reciting empty prayers
That sounded like broken records
And nursery rhymes,
To a bearded man in the sky.
I’ve always feared You, Lord
But I never loved You.
Instead of You, I chose men
Who broke my bones in the name of love.
I paved the road to my own ruin
By choosing my whims over your plans.
And I replaced your loving arms with cheap liquor
Hoping it would drown my guilt and my sorrows.
And when it ripped my spirit apart,
Twice I sought salvation
In the edge of a broken glass.
I have failed You so miserably!
Now every part of me is shattered into smithereens,
But I cannot find a better way than this
To start over again with You.
So I come to You today
With a longing in my heart,
Not to know about You
But to know You,
As a friend, as a father, as my God.
I come to You today
To find out who I am,
Not in the world
But in Christ.
I come to You today,
To learn to trust
And to take refuge in the faith
That every promise made in The Book
Is for me!
So here’s my first footstep on your ground.
I will seek You henceforth,
And not rest until the day I hear
Every cell in my body say
You are. You are. You are.